We went out tonight to take toys and share the gospel with some folks in recovery. When the altar call was given for folks to come forward if they wanted to ask Jesus to come into their life and be their Lord and Savior a bunch went forward.
Then the realization that God allows us to have a little tiny part in his Huge plan ... WOW!!
posted by Cynthia @ 1:12 AM
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Well, Mom has been gone alittle over 9 1/2 months. Now there is Gale who has such a little amount of time before she meets her Lord and Savior. It's bringing me back to my own pain missing Mom. Oh I miss her more than anything. Life just isn't the same. It's so empty. Living alone sucks. I know I'm depressed right now and that makes it that much worse. I pray for Gale and her entire family, especially Katy who needs her mom now more than ever. I pray for Tiff with having to make decisions for her Grandmother and for safety for her grandmother getting surgery. So much, so much. And then I worry about my Uncle George and wish I had the money to go to Louisiana to visit him. He and Auntie Maxine are so special to me.
posted by Cynthia @ 6:36 AM
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I'm thankful for Praise Chapel Whittier, I'm thankful for a loving God who cares about me, for healing me.
posted by Cynthia @ 5:12 PM
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I wonder what is REALLY going on? So many strange things. I know that I know that God healed me on Sunday night from anxiety, and mental anguish. So why is this stuff happening? Why do the bottles of pills look so inviting? I couldn't do that to my family. Ha listen to me, not that I couldn't do it to myself, I couldn't do that to them after Terra dying the same way so recently. But dang it's tempting. I don't like being alone. I don't like not having my little life together. I don't like it that Kathy isn't coming Mothers day but I understand she's sick. It's just I have a whole hamper of clothes for her. I was soooo looking forward to going to Venice Beach with her. I don't like it that I don't have a credit card anymore, how am I supposed to go to school? I don't have the money or I'd pay it myself but then Bob couldn't pay me back. I guess I could go into my savings but Bob couldn't pay me back because of the taxes. I only have enough in the bank to pay for my car payment and my registration. I'm gonna HAVE TO dip into my savings just to live this month. All I'm gonna get from TBN is probably about $150 max whenever it gets here.
I hate living alone. I guess if I got a job I could do it. Turn Mom's room into my office. But I don't want to live alone. I hate it!! I miss Mom so much, that's why those pills look so good. I want to be with her and Dad. But I know God has great things in store for me. When? I want to do stuff now!! I want to be used of him now!! I want boldness, I want the anointing of the Holy Spirit to be on my life. I hope I can go to Mexico next time they go. That would be so awesome!! I could sing? I can do something. I could collect clothes to pass out ?
posted by Cynthia @ 5:53 PM
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I wonder what is REALLY going on? So many strange things. I know that I know that God healed me on Sunday night from anxiety, and mental anguish. So why is this stuff happening? Why do the bottles of pills look so inviting? I couldn't do that to my family. Ha listen to me, not that I couldn't do it to myself, I couldn't do that to them after Terra dying the same way so recently. But dang it's tempting. I don't like being alone. I don't like not having my little life together. I don't like it that Kathy isn't coming Mothers day but I understand she's sick. It's just I have a whole hamper of clothes for her. I was soooo looking forward to going to Venice Beach with her. I don't like it that I don't have a credit card anymore, how am I supposed to go to school? I don't have the money or I'd pay it myself but then Bob couldn't pay me back. I guess I could go into my savings but Bob couldn't pay me back because of the taxes. I only have enough in the bank to pay for my car payment and my registration. I'm gonna HAVE TO dip into my savings just to live this month. All I'm gonna get from TBN is probably about $150 max whenever it gets here.
I hate living alone. I guess if I got a job I could do it. Turn Mom's room into my office. But I don't want to live alone. I hate it!! I miss Mom so much, that's why those pills look so good. I want to be with her and Dad. But I know God has great things in store for me. When? I want to do stuff now!! I want to be used of him now!! I want boldness, I want the anointing of the Holy Spirit to be on my life. I hope I can go to Mexico next time they go. That would be so awesome!! I could sing? I can do something. I could collect clothes to pass out ?
posted by Cynthia @ 5:53 PM
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March 4, 2006
Today is 2 months since Mom Passed away. I have been having a real hard time lately realizing I am alone. Life as I knew it will NEVER again be the same.
My Uncle George sent me this scripture today which was so timely:
VERSE: Have not I commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. -- Joshua 1:9 THOUGHT: Never alone! What a promise. God will go with him, and us, through all the seasons of life, through all our ups and downs, through temptations and triumphs, even through death (cf. Psalm> 139). So we can take courage and feel his strength. We are not alone! PRAYER: O God who is and was and is to come, thank you for being there> and staying there when all others forsake and leave. You are the one constant in my life so full of change. Help me become more steadfast and faithful in my commitments and relationships to honor you and to learn more about you. Through Jesus I pray. Amen.
This is comforting.
January 23, 2006
Well, I'm going to try to keep up on this blog as I attempt to move into my new position in life. I was Mom's daughter, constant companion and best friend for the past 7 years, she went to be with Jesus on January 4th, I can't believe it's been 19 days already.
I have good days and bad days. Some days it's all I can do to get out of bed. Other days I get excited at the prospects of the future.
I miss Mom so much. What I would give to hear her laughter one last time. She was so precious to my heart. I'm glad she didn't suffer.
Although I put alot of work into planning her memorial service, it was everything I could have wished for and more. It was beautiful hearing one by one people saying how she made them laugh, she gave them a smile, she made them forget their problems if just for a little while with a smile. She mothered so many of my friends. She knitted and crocheted things for them that they cherish.
I miss her more than I can believe and I know this will be a place to pour out my heart and sob some days and laugh some days and just fall apart others.
posted by Cynthia @ 11:34 PM
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I am realizing that grief comes in waves like at the ocean and if I allow them to wash over me, experience them, grieve in whatever way necessary, as the tide goes out, also goes alittle more of the pain in my heart.
I am beginning to get well. To get a life. Mom I will miss you tomorrow on Valentine's day. We had a neat 7 years of Valentines Day's after Daddy passed away being each others Valentine, you as a widow, me as a single woman. I am so thankful that you gave birth to my special sister Kathryn on This day, Valentines Day. The flowers she sent to me today were so special, my heart swells with love for her
posted by Cynthia @ 1:56 PM
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I couldn't have said this any better:
She writes:I am not strong.I âm just numb. When you tell meI am strong, I feel that you don't see me.
I will not recover. This is not a cold or theflu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving as intensely,but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate her life and love into the rest of my life. That person is part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember her with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.
I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real,but there are just some things in life that are not acceptable.
Please don't avoid me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch myarm, and gently say, I'm sorry. You can even say,"I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that.
Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything" I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need.Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have.
So in advance let me give you some ideas. Bring food; Send me a card on special holidays, birthdays, or the anniversary of the death, and make sure to mention her name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
Ask me more than once to join you at amovie or lunch or dinner. I may say no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready,and if you've given up, then I really will be alone.
posted by Cynthia @ 6:46 PM
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